Ordering Food In Old English

Breakfast is an essential part of the day. In fact, some of the most common foods eaten for breakfast in America includes, cold cereal, eggs, and pastries. However, this has become a rarity in my life, with my top picks ranging from a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich, a beloved protein bar, or that all-time favorite shake. When I have such delicacies, I start speaking like an old person, in broken English.

The Coffeehouse:

Attendant: Good Morning. How may I help you today?

Me: Yes. May I have black coffee, double cream, and sugar cane. Also, may I add one sweetened dough?

Attendant: Sure. What size cup can I get cha?

Me: A mug please.

Attendant: O…ok. Let me ring that up for you and I’ll be back in a second.

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On the phone ordering from a burger, pizza, and fries joint:

Attendant: Hi, my name is Nancy, and this is The Joint. How can I help you today?

Me: How do you do Nancy? My name is E.C. and I would like to order a quarter pound cow, with Switzerland cheddar, and chips, with flavored carbonation.

Attendant: Um… Are you referring to one of our quarter pound burgers?

Me: Si. (I start dancing to merengue as soon as they pick up the phone, because I can already smell and taste the food.)

Attendant: I’m sorry did you arrive already, or will you be picking up?

Me: Oh my! Delivery, a lady must not dine alone.

Attendant: Great and uhm…which POP will you be having?

Me: The Doctor of course.

Attendant: One doctor pepper great! It’ll be ready within 30-45 minutes. Is this the proper number to reach you at?

Me: Ahhh yes! I’ll put the bell on my tele!

Attendant: You do that! We’ll send someone out for you soon!

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At a soul food restaurant:

Attendant: What you want?

Me: Food. Can I…

Attendant: Hold on I got a call…. mmm, mmm, mmm…hmmm. Alright, go on.

Me: Can I order a fried bird, one loose leaf botanical, and sweet taters.

Attendant: A who? Where you from?

Me: Repeat. I’m from the states.

Attendant: Girl come look a here, she said she want, hold on girl, where ya phone at?

Other attendant: Ain’t nobody got time for that, what will you like miss?

Me: Yes. I said I would like to order a fried bird, a loose-leaf botanical, and sweet taters.

Both attendants: “What?” “I told you.” “Call Rod.”

30 minutes later opening the bag: I received fried chicken, a side of breakfast tots, and some weed.