Mooning It

“It is a beautiful and delightful sight to behold the body of the Moon.”

― Galileo Galilei


Oops! There goes my pants, falling down my butt, oh my…

Which one? There are actually quite a few moons. There’s obviously the one in the sky, moonshine, and last, but certainly not least, the backside. I know what you’re thinking, how does an ass equal a moon? Or that one time you looked away for a second, only to find misguided cheeks. It’s called mooning actually, and it’s done for the pure enjoyment of watching the shock and horror of others faces. A real time emoji. First things first, all moons come in all different shapes and sizes. Some are bumpy, hairy, flat, fat, or just plain old hazardous. People tend to mind these creatures all year round, preferring to keep them in everything from thongs to boxers. Or, if they are feeling risqué, they expose themselves to the elements of skirts and pants, too bad the authority doesn’t know! Shrug…

Now, when it comes to identifying these specimens, they may not readily be identifiable. Especially for bumpy, hairy, and hazardous bums. When it comes to bumpy bums, you know, the one’s with cellulite. It’s 100% necessary to consider how this has affected your partner in the past. If his member has experienced confusion when it comes time to “dive in,” that’s symptom number one. If about three and a half strokes later, you feel warmth outside the intended destination, it’s time to consider preparation before mooning. In this scenario, it is extremely important to have that middle crack visible and ready to go. The next one on the list is the hairy one. I know it’s a matter of damned if you don’t and damned if you do, but most people appreciate it when Nat Geo isn’t live. Last, but certainly not least, there’s the hazardous. These types of butts have their own set of rules to abide by! All I can say is…

As mentioned earlier, besides a day’s shower or a nude beach, most people tend to let their bums fermentate. That means a decent amount of exposure to bacteria, zippers, and hard places. Therefore, you can understand why I refrained from using fruits in my descriptions. One more thing to consider is color. Just as diverse as these butts are, so is their color. However, the two colors I’ll be referring to today is brown and red. If you’re a man, the color you’re most familiar with is brown. If you are a woman most likely you are familiar with both. Applications such as this, must not be exposed to the viewers! After all, your backside is your moonshine! To tame such mishaps, please read the recommendations as follows: Select tampons- this allows discretion, as well as comfort. Shower regularly- now to each his own but keep the PH G-rated! Finally, wipe from front to back. I once had an 80-year-old woman discover this, don’t ask me how! I am only here to teach you the proper mechanics of mooning. All that being said and done, now is your time to moon. Mooning is a fast and daunting process, done in a public space. Likewise, losing your moon-ginity is extremely important! I recommend either daylight or city lights- excluding Alaska. An easy skirt or pair of shorts-ask Thotiana. And, an age legal crowd, with no nine-one-o-one around. So, with no further ado, show your “Bu”! In general, this PDA should not last longer than 15 seconds. So, moon that booty and bounce, (No, no, no, not that kind of bounce! This is illegal. That means run!).

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